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Microagressions, Race, and Beloved Community

Posted on by Dana Goldman

I do a fair amount of eye rolling at the Atlanta Journal-Constitution for the unsubstantial click-bait on its homepage. (Currently “Hawks to Hold Cheerleader Auditionsmicro-agression” is front-and-center.) But I’ve been interested lately to read their Race in Atlanta series, and appreciative of the different perspectives they’ve highlighted. (For a few examples of stories, click here or here.)

The latest story is on microaggressions, with AJC journalist Willoughby Mariano providing some useful examples of daily indignities that People of Color endure and that people with my skin tone are often oblivious to.  It’s worth a read and conversation.

A Quick Note on Birthdays

Posted on by Dana Goldman

happy-birthday-to-me-memeMy birthday has come and gone once again, and unlike my daughter – who would like to have her birthday happen every day – I’m a little relieved it’s over. As a kid, birthdays are hopefully magical. Presents! The world centering on you!

But as an adult, birthdays can so often be bittersweet or downright disappointing. We may note who has or has not called. We find ourselves in comparison mode with other people based on our age. We may find ourselves comparing aspects of our lives — relationship, work, home, interests — with where we’d hoped we would be. (To state the obvious: These are not usually comparisons that make us feel better about ourselves.) Perhaps we touch into our mortality in a way that’s uncomfortable. Perhaps we are all too aware of who is no longer alive or in our life to celebrate us. Sometimes things get better with age … but sometimes we end up feeling jaded and confused about our own meaning and purpose.

As a mindfulness-informed therapist, here is the long-winded question I have at moments like this: How can we turn toward the difficult feelings that events like birthdays conjure up, getting curious about our experience so that we can find clarity and create intentions and actions that enable change? 

I offer this question to you in hopes that it will be useful.

All my best,
Dana

 

The Science of Social Media and FOMO

The Science of Social Media and FOMO

Posted on by Dana Goldman

Next time you want to go on social media, do a simple experiment. Check in with yourself beforehand for a second. How do you feel about your life, your relationships, your job, your home? After hanging out on social media for a bit, check in with yourself again. Do you feel better or worse?

The science implies you’ll likely feel a bit worse. Some colleagues put me onto this episode of the podcast The Hidden Brain. It’s all about social media, FOMO (fear of missing out), and comparison. Listen here:

http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/national-public-radio/hidden-brain/e/ep-68-schadenfacebook-49872935

We all know our social media versions of ourselves leave out lots of aspects our reality (usually the ugly, the messy, the complicated). The science shows there are consequences to this, and to the comparison that inevitably happens when we spend a chunk of time on social media. It may be that I should be asking all my therapy clients about how time they spend on social media. Counseling helps alleviate depression and anxiety, and it may be that one simple step we can all take is to monitor how much time we spend online – and what we notice as a result.

Testing, Testing – Tips for Parents

Posted on by Dana Goldman

These last few weeks, I’ve seen kid and teen clients’ stress skyrocket as a result of mandatory statewide testing. It reminds me of my own days as a student in DeKalb County schools taking the Iowa Test of Basic Skills way back in the 1980s. You may have a similar memory of using #2 pencils to bubble in answer sheets or long hours of boredom ctesting, testingoupled with the pressure to do well. As far as I can tell, none of that has changed.

It’s easy to be sympathetic to these clients and their anxiety. Tests can be confusing, and often don’t reflect what my clients have learned throughout the school year. Multiple studies over decades have shown that race and socio-economic class can impact scores, raising significant doubts about validity.  

And yet, even when these smart, savvy kids have this information, they still feel tremendous pressure to do well on these tests. For some, these test results make up a significant portion of their final grades in school. For some, their performance impacts eligibility for talented-and-gifted programs. For many, it’s easy to tie self-worth to scores — which means even more pressure to perform.

In my years counseling teens and kids, many parents have come to me saying, “my kid seems more irritable around testing time.” This is not a surprise. When we’re anxious and don’t feel a lot of control, that can come out as irritability or efforts to control other parts of our lives in constructive or not-so-constructive ways. 

So here’s what I tell parents:

1. Recognize that your child is likely feeling anxiety and pressure. They may not tell you that they’re anxious, but you may be able to tell if your child is acting out more than usual. Any perceived pressure from you may feel like “too much” to them, since they’re already worried and negatively anticipating the test.

2.  Help them prepare in practical ways (getting a good night sleep and eating a good breakfast beforehand). If their school allows books or other materials for in-between testing times, help them select something that will reduce boredom.

3. Reassure your child that you love them and that testing is much less important than other things (their character, perhaps, or their overall effort during the school year).

4. Make plans with your child to do something fun after testing is over. 

And, thankfully, testing will be done soon!

Grief Before They’re Gone

Posted on by Dana Goldman

It’s become clear to me that it’s time to say a bit about anticipatory grief, that sort of pain we feel when someone we love is dying. This is different from grief we feel when someone is already gone; rather anticipatory grief is what we experience when we’re fully aware that a loved one is mortal, and dying, and that we’ll likely be here without them after they die.

anticipatory griefAnticipatory grief carries with it all the usual emotions of regular grief — including anger, guilt, anxiety, denial, bargaining, and sadness, to name a few — but is complicated because the person is still here, in some form or another. We can’t have the same relationship as before, and acting like everything’s “normal” can be a huge strain. We can’t imagine living without them, but we know things will not get better or easier. We know that dying leads to death, and the anticipation of this can be terrible – worse, even, than the death itself.

It’s an honor to get to support people who are experiencing grief. These are some of the most difficult, lonely moments that life brings us, and a time for deep reflection about who we are and what’s most important. It’s a privilege to walk with people through the desolate landscape of grief and help them find their way back home to their own precious life.

 

When the Political Gets Especially Personal

Posted on by Dana Goldman

Sexual desire or its absence. Religious beliefs or the belief that the here-and-now is all we’ve got. The thoughts or experiences that make us feel weird, or embarrassed, or alone.

One reason I’m such a fan of counseling is that it’s a space to talk freely about aspects of our lives that sometimes go unspoken to even our closest friends or family members. We need places in our lives to talk openly about who we are without fear of being judged, criticized, or excommunicated from our most important relationships.

personalpoliticsIt’s been especially important to me lately that clients of all political persuasions know that politics is something they can talk about openly in sessions. Some are excited and hopeful as a result of this new presidential administration. Other clients are finding their anxiety aggravated and their depression worsening as a result of recent political actions. More than one has been in a fight with a loved one about ideology or the “right” way to act or react.

For many clients, the political situation has been a catapult into de
eper exploration of meaning and purpose. I can relate. In and out of session, so many of us are wrestling with questions of how to better translate personal principles into purposeful actions that go well beyond our own self-interests. We are exploring how to live with difficult emotions without acting out or checking out. We are figuring out how to engage in respectful dialogue that avoids condescension and assumes best intent. And, of course, we continue to discern how to respond to our own limits and needs with self-compassion.

This isn’t selfish navel-gazing; rather it’s trying to figure out how to live and stay connected to ourselves and to one another despite sometimes widely different beliefs about how to make the world a better place.

It is an honor to walk with clients through these questions, holding space for uncertainty, acknowledging fears and courage, and helping them connect to their deepest values.

“Adulting” Self-Care for Depression, Stress, and Anxiety

Posted on by Dana Goldman

self-care with Audre LordeSo often we fall into the trap of thinking of self-care as selfish – especially when self-loathing and guilt is also present. I enjoyed this article “What Nobody Tells You About Depression” since it highlights the more practical (and sometimes painful) side of self-care that includes paying bills, making medical appointments, quitting activities that deplete or overwhelm you, and engaging in what may be challenging introspection. Here’s a quote from the article:

“What social workers and other people don’t often tell you is that self-care can be completely terrible. Self-care includes a lot of adult-ing, and activities you want to put off indefinitely. Self-care sometimes means making tough decisions which you fear others will judge. Self-care involves asking for help; it involves vulnerability; it involves being painfully honest with yourself and your loved ones about what you need.” –

I also love this quote to the right by the late activist and writer Audre Lorde. Even though I don’t think of myself as engaging in political warfare, I do know that my own acts of self-preservation help me be calm, present, and useful in the world at large during times of trouble and uncertainty.

 

The “Hilarious” World of Depression

Posted on by Dana Goldman

Hilarious World of Depression

I’ve just listened to the first two episodes of The Hilarious World of Depression, a podcast series that interviews comedians about their struggles with depression, anxiety, and related mental health concerns. Weird combo? Yes. Does it work? From what I can tell, it sure does.

But you can judge for yourself. I’d love to hear what you think the podcast gets right — and wrong — about depression.

 

A More Realistic (and Hilarious) Pain Scale

Posted on by Dana Goldman

I always laugh a lot at the hilarious pain scale (and explanation that creator Allie Brosh gives) on her now-inactive blog Hyperbole and a Half. Brosh is a depression survivor and her blog (and book of the same name) are often gut-splittingly on target. While our society often is more quick to recognize physical pain than emotional pain, cool neuroscience shows that emotional pain often registers in the same brain regions as when we, say, stub a toe or break a leg. In other words, emotional pain is still real. And painful. picture-22

Beyond Upset? 8 Small Things To Do Right Now

Posted on by Dana Goldman
  1. First Things FirstFirst: Don’t make major life decisions in the middle of a crisis. If you’re feeling an impulse to make a big change right now, notice that impulse and then do yo
    ur best to sit on it for a few weeks.
  2. Undercommit. During times of challenge, you’re allowed to be a little flaky. I recommend sentences like “I’m a tentative yes for this” or “I’d like to, but I need to think about whether I can do this.”
  3. Limit your exposure to information you may find upsetting. Set a timer to remind you to stop compulsively reading whatever is making you panic. There will be plenty of time to read and learn later on. It’s not selfish to choose to opt out for a while.
  4. Get outside. Once there, move your body. Slowly is fine. Less slowly is also fine.
  5. Eat. At regular intervals. The best you can.
  6. Sleep. At regular intervals. The best you can.
  7. Find comfort. Take comfort. Give comfort. Cookies, TV, books, friends, and food are all good starts.
  8. Figure out a small way to use the power you have in a tangible way. That may mean doing something kind for someone else. That may mean volunteering. That may mean writing a letter to the editor. Be careful not to overextend yourself! Refer back to #2.