Category: Purpose

Hello, Clarity. Bye For Now, Blog.

Hello, Clarity. Bye For Now, Blog.

Posted on by Dana Goldman

It would be polite for me to say it’s been a minute since I’ve written on this blog. But the truth is that this “minute” has extended for almost six months. Sheesh!

While I’d like to say this absence of blog posts has been entirely intentional, the opposite is true. Writing a blog post has been on my never-ending to-do list for months. Surely you have at least one task on your own list that is similar: a task that is never urgent, low priority, doesn’t have a big impact on others, and, thus, wallows on the Perpetual To-Do List. You know that to-do list: the one that never, ever ends.

My current pile of to-do lists.

While I’m generally not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions (especially the ones related to dieting) I am setting an intention for 2022 that feels pretty resolute: I only want to write tasks on my to-do lists IF those tasks help me and others live meaningful, good lives.

That doesn’t mean all my tasks will suddenly be pleasant. I’ll still make trips to the post office, do dishes, and water plants. These sorts of tasks are rarely meaningful in themselves and also often annoying, but sending packages from the post office help me stay in touch with people I love. Doing dishes helps my family have a home that isn’t entirely chaotic. Watering plants helps me feel good in my space.

And here’s the truth: Even though I didn’t intend to stop my blog, I also am not convinced it’s worth a recommitment ceremony for this next year. Does the blog possibly help potential clients know I’m a good or bad fit? Sure. But is the blog – and the time and head space it takes up – really helping me or others live meaningful, good lives? I’m not convinced. Somewhere in the last year or two, it became a should, not a want. (Also, if there aren’t enough blog posts up for you to get a sense of me, shoot me an email! Give me a call!)

So – happy almost new year. May we all continue to gain clarity about who and what matter most to us. May our lives be an extension of our priorities to the extent we can control. And may we live as meaningful and good lives as possible.

What’s “Normal” In the Slow Fade of a Pandemic?

What’s “Normal” In the Slow Fade of a Pandemic?

Posted on by Dana Goldman

Even as the pandemic begins a slow fade, the mental health crisis that the pandemic ignited in kids, teens grownups, and caregivers for elders is sticking around. In my therapy office of late, I’ve heard clients name rumination, depression, grief, more alcohol and marijuana, new existential questions about meaning and purpose, relationship challenges, parenting stress, exhaustion, preoccupation about weight, intrusive thoughts, and lots and lots and lots of anxiety (social anxiety, health anxiety, traveling anxiety, etc.) In fact, we now have a name for all the inner debris that the pandemic has left in us: Post Pandemic Stress Disorder. This is on top of all the stress, anxiety, depression, and relationship stuff many of us carry around even in non-pandemic days.

So here are a few points I wish we could all keep track of:

1: Sometimes my clients think that if an event is over, they should be over it. But our brains, nervous systems, and bodies don’t work like light switches. Rather our nervous systems are like cars — needing time to rev up and time to slow down. So it’s normal to not feel normal right now. It’s normal to be experiencing residual exhaustion, more sensitivity to stressors, and to generally feel on edge and like you don’t quite have your social sea legs. Does this mean it’s fun? No. But is having a disrupted nervous system normal given the completely abnormal last 16 months? Yes. Absolutely, yes.

2: During the last year plus, we’ve all been taking stock of our lives: what we like, what we don’t like, what we want more of, and what we want less of in our lives. If you are still looking around trying to figure out what you want your new normal to include and exclude, you are doing something important – and normal. Many of us have had a break from friends, commutes, social obligations, work travel, etc. and now, to some extent, we have some choices in front of us. Do we want to socialize more, less, or differently than before the pandemic? Do we want to advocate for different hours or different amounts of times at our jobs? Do we want to set different boundaries with our families or around our time? These questions are normal. And it’s normal to re-evaluate our priorities following a big, terrible event.

3: If you have gained weight during the last 16 months, congrats on being normal. As far as coping strategies go, eating a bit more than we need is not the worst thing ever. We’ve been going through an ongoing trauma, and our bodies naturally crave sugar and salt when we’re stressed. I hope you can give yourself a break over the weight gain. And maybe even learn about the Health At Every Size movement. Or if you can’t be kind to yourself about your body, please come see me and and let me give you a break.

4: Finally, if you’re feeling bad for feeling bad (as in “I have so much privilege, I don’t deserve to be having a hard time”) then congrats – also normal. Think of this like survivor’s guilt. There’s a guilty feeling that’s hard to shake. But guess what – this too is normal. And while I know it’s hard to stop guilt once it’s ramped up, your guilt does not help anyone.

So – what to do? Consider self-compassion. Surround yourself with people who will be supportive and not make you feel like a weirdo (unless you’re a weirdo in all the good ways). Remind yourself that your experience can be normal AND still be really, really hard. And help your nervous system know it’s now safe to calm down: through regular sleep, nourishing food and relationships, movement, time outside, and – the hardest for many of us – not pushing yourself too hard. Does all that sound impossible? If so, no worries… that’s normal too (and why we therapists are here).

Courtesy of Rahul Jail on Unsplash.com

Tips for Election Anxiety

Posted on by Dana Goldman

Hi y’all. It’s Dana here, your friendly local therapist with some unsolicited thoughts about getting through this upcoming election in one piece. 

Probably by now you’ve received a hundred texts, phone calls, emails,and  social media notifications letting you know about the election on November 3 and asking you in increasingly desperate pleas to PLEASE PLEASE VOTE. Lots is being written about making a plan for voting: requesting absentee ballots and returning them and confirming they’ve been received by your local election office OR voting in person and preparing for long lines, tech snafus and possible voter suppression. 

But there’s another sort of election planning that needs to happen that we also can’t neglect. This planning is more personal, and in some ways more challenging. After all, how do you brace yourself for the uncertainty of a hugely important election, especially given that results will likely not be known for days if not weeks? 

Y’all, it’s time to prepare yourself internally and internally for what’s to come. I’m hearing from friends, family members and clients about spikes in anxiety, a heightened awareness of uncertainty, and a general sense of being out of control. 

So, in hopes that this can be useful, here are some tips and strategies for the coming weeks: 

  1. Do what you can to remember the big picture – the scope of history and space. Even though this moment feels big and impossible it is, in the grand scheme of things, this is just a moment. This may be a good time to watch a documentary about space or nature. It may be useful to print out a photo of the world’s oldest living tree or Stonehenge as a reminder that now is not forever.
  2. It’s time to create a bit more structure and ritual in your day. A friend of mine is now spending 20 minutes first thing in the morning outside walking, followed by 5 minutes of stretching and 5 minutes of guided meditation. I’ve been trying to end each day with a hot bath and an unrealistic mystery novel. For other people, useful ritual might mean a daily habit of morning pages, a daily text check-in with a good friend, or having a mini mid-day dance party. 
  3. Get on a regular sleep schedule if possible. “Sleep hygiene” is the ultimate unsexy phrase. But there’s something to it. The more regular structure we create in the hour or two before sleep – and the more consistent we are about what time we get in bed – the better chance we’ll have of a good night’s sleep. (Pre-bed ideas: reading, letter writing, stretching, listening to music, connecting with a friend, hot bath or shower, or a small snack. Not so helpful for sleep: social media or news.)
  4. Replace doom scrolling with something less crazy-making (such as stretching, audiobooks, online games, etc.) The negative consequences of compulsively scrolling the news or social media have been well documented. In Jenny Odell’s book, How to Do Nothing, she names that this can be quite challenging – especially at first, and especially when so much is happening around us. She writes, “To pay attention to one thing is to resist paying attention to other things; it means constantly denying and thwarting provocations outside the sphere of one’s attention.” It’s time to consider unplugging, at least a little bit.
  5. Figure out what’s within your control and what’s not. Focus on what’s in your control.  What can give you a sense of purpose? If you’re anxious, how do you want to use that nervous energy? It’s unlikely that more information won’t make you feel any more settled. Instead, focus on what’s before you. If the election is important to you, can you write letters, make donations, call friends, post information in your community, or volunteer in another way? Other things that are in your control: how much attention you give the daily media rollercoaster, what you do to relax and unwind (and unplug!), and how you match your actions to your values. Research shows people feel better when helping others, so it may be time to do something for others. Bake brownies for a neighbor. Write and send love notes to your friends. You get the idea.
  6. Allow yourself some comfort. With heightened anxiety comes an understandable need for heightened comfort and soothing. Now is the time to start thinking about what provides you comfort and what might be soothing in the days leading up to the election. Some ideas: comfort foods, cans of soup or frozen pot pies, aromatherapy, nightly hot showers or baths, journaling, movies or TV or books that are soothing and easy. Time outside weeding or walking. Time with pets. Time with hobbies. 
  7. Connect with your people. Social isolation makes everything harder, and being connected to one another usually makes everything easier. If you’ve been out of touch with important friends or family members, it’s time reach out or set up a phone date.
  8. Work to have realistic expectations of ourselves and others during this wild time. Anxiety does not make us do our best work (or best parenting) and we are going to be distracted in relationships and work. Please, give yourself a break. If you give yourself a break it will be easier to give others around you a break as well.
  9. Finally, make a plan for how you want to spend election day and plan something to look forward to after November 3rd. If there’s a chance that anxiety will spike on election day itself, how can you prepare to meet that anxiety? Would it be helpful to keep busy, or to plan to have a quiet day? Is there a meal or a phone call that you could look forward to? Is it possible to plan for a hike or special outing the weekend after? If so, do it!

Put Off The Laundry! Instead: An Important, Overlooked Tool for Habit Changing in the New Year

Posted on by Dana Goldman

I should be doing laundry, or scrubbing the toilet, or any number of household tasks. But I’m here to tell you to put those things off. If you have a few moments (and I’m going to guess so, if you’re reading this blog post) it’s likely the most useful way you can spend this time is in the simple act of focused self-reflection.

Studies and anecdotal evidence show that when we take time to reflect on a regular basis, we are often able to grow and make changes in ways that otherwise have been impossible. Last year I posted some year-end reflection questions here, and I just spent an hour looking over my own answers from a year ago and answering the same questions again, from where I am today.

Having time and space to reflect is both a luxury and a necessity (kinda like all those other good things: physical movement, time with people who care about us, nourishing food, etc.). Sure, it would have been helpful to have spent the last hour doing laundry or another hundred household tasks, but when we prioritize the immediate, it makes it harder for us to make medium and long-term changes. I believe strongly that most of the time household tasks can wait – what’s a little extra laundry tomorrow? – in favor of reflection that could have way more long-term payoff. 

So here are a few questions to kickstart some reflection time. Turn off your phone notifications, find a quiet space, and give yourself 10 minutes to reflect.

  1. To the extent I have control and influence over my life, how would I like to start the new year?
  2. What would I like to let go of (self-defeating thoughts, behaviors, relationships, etc.) as 2019 starts? Who and what can support me to do this? What barriers can I anticipate and prevent?
  3. What would I like more of in 2019? Who are what can support me to do this? What barriers can I anticipate and prevent?
  4. What are the values and priorities I want to keep front-and-center in 2019?

Where’s the manual for parenting adult children?

Posted on by Dana Goldman

Summer is often a time that some kids and teenagers find relief from stress. Young people who find school challenging – either because of social stuff or academic work – often describe summer being a relief. Less is expected of them. They can give themselves permission to expect less of themselves.

But summer for the parents of recent grads and young adults is sometimes a different story. After all, the role of a parent of an adult child isn’t well defined. What does it look like to parent a 20-year-old during a summer spent at home? Once a young adult hits the magic age of 18 and is legally in charge of their own health and well-being, how should a parent proceed?

Lots of people are trying to navigate this terrain in a way that respects the autonomy of their adult child while staying connected. Here are a few tips to help you figure out how to proceed:

  1. Overall, what’s your parenting philosophy? Sometimes laying out your big picture principles about parenting can help us then decide how we want to proceed.
  2. Try to have check-in conversations with your kid about how they envision your relationship moving forward. Give them a heads up first that you want to have this conversation and find a mutually-agreeable time and place for it – no one likes being surprised by a serious conversation! You may want to ask questions like this: How can I be most helpful to you if you sound stressed/depressed/anxious? How would you like to spend time together?
  3. Catch yourself before you give unsolicited advice! Ask first: “Are you open to some thoughts here?” If they say no, keep your thoughts to yourself. Most of us need to learn from experience anyway.
  4. It never ever hurts to let your kid know how much you unconditionally love them.
  5. If you’re not asking them questions about their life in attempts to be respectful of their privacy, let them know that! “It’s not that I don’t care; I’m just trying to be respectful and follow your lead.”

It can also help for parents to figure out who they are and what they want to invest in, now that parenting is taking a different shape and perhaps less time. As your child launches, it’s an opportunity (for better or worse) to consider what you want now in your life. At the very least, such exploration can make it easier to tolerate worry about an adult child. At the very most, it can help you discover what’s next for you. 

 

 

Instead of Resolutions, Try Reflections: 12 Questions to Reorient for the Coming Year

Instead of Resolutions, Try Reflections: 12 Questions to Reorient for the Coming Year

Posted on by Dana Goldman

I managed to carve out two hours last week to reflect on the year that’s almost past. It can be hard for me to think about goals or even intentions for the future without such reflection. And the truth is we learn best when we can think about what’s happened and what we might do differently next time. When I sat down and thought and wrote about these questions, I was able to clarify to myself how I got in my own way during 2017 (mostly by overcommitting) and imagine what I want more in the future. I’m sharing my reflection questions in case they may be useful prompts for you as well.

-What in my life would I happily get rid of if I could? 

-What in my life would I be happy to have more of?

-What external factors are holding me back?

-What internal factors are holding me back?

-Where do I feel most insecure professionally and personally?

-Where do I feel most confident professionally and personally?

-What were the big areas of learning and growth for me this year in terms of my personal life and work? 

-When I was fatigued, why?

-When I was energized, why?

-What goals were easiest and hardest to meet this past year – and why? 

-If I gave myself permission to dream big, what would I want for this next year or in general?

-What big areas of learning and growth do I want in the coming year, both personally and professionally? 

 

 

 

A Quick Note on Birthdays

Posted on by Dana Goldman

happy-birthday-to-me-memeMy birthday has come and gone once again, and unlike my daughter – who would like to have her birthday happen every day – I’m a little relieved it’s over. As a kid, birthdays are hopefully magical. Presents! The world centering on you!

But as an adult, birthdays can so often be bittersweet or downright disappointing. We may note who has or has not called. We find ourselves in comparison mode with other people based on our age. We may find ourselves comparing aspects of our lives — relationship, work, home, interests — with where we’d hoped we would be. (To state the obvious: These are not usually comparisons that make us feel better about ourselves.) Perhaps we touch into our mortality in a way that’s uncomfortable. Perhaps we are all too aware of who is no longer alive or in our life to celebrate us. Sometimes things get better with age … but sometimes we end up feeling jaded and confused about our own meaning and purpose.

As a mindfulness-informed therapist, here is the long-winded question I have at moments like this: How can we turn toward the difficult feelings that events like birthdays conjure up, getting curious about our experience so that we can find clarity and create intentions and actions that enable change? 

I offer this question to you in hopes that it will be useful.

All my best,
Dana

 

When the Political Gets Especially Personal

Posted on by Dana Goldman

Sexual desire or its absence. Religious beliefs or the belief that the here-and-now is all we’ve got. The thoughts or experiences that make us feel weird, or embarrassed, or alone.

One reason I’m such a fan of counseling is that it’s a space to talk freely about aspects of our lives that sometimes go unspoken to even our closest friends or family members. We need places in our lives to talk openly about who we are without fear of being judged, criticized, or excommunicated from our most important relationships.

personalpoliticsIt’s been especially important to me lately that clients of all political persuasions know that politics is something they can talk about openly in sessions. Some are excited and hopeful as a result of this new presidential administration. Other clients are finding their anxiety aggravated and their depression worsening as a result of recent political actions. More than one has been in a fight with a loved one about ideology or the “right” way to act or react.

For many clients, the political situation has been a catapult into de
eper exploration of meaning and purpose. I can relate. In and out of session, so many of us are wrestling with questions of how to better translate personal principles into purposeful actions that go well beyond our own self-interests. We are exploring how to live with difficult emotions without acting out or checking out. We are figuring out how to engage in respectful dialogue that avoids condescension and assumes best intent. And, of course, we continue to discern how to respond to our own limits and needs with self-compassion.

This isn’t selfish navel-gazing; rather it’s trying to figure out how to live and stay connected to ourselves and to one another despite sometimes widely different beliefs about how to make the world a better place.

It is an honor to walk with clients through these questions, holding space for uncertainty, acknowledging fears and courage, and helping them connect to their deepest values.

Are Technology and Peace At Odds?

Are Technology and Peace At Odds?

Posted on by Dana Goldman

My meditation teacher sent me this article I Used To Be A Human Being and I’m passing it along to you today. It’s all about how to live in an age of constant distraction and, fittingly, it took me three days and three sittings to actually finish it because of the distractions that bombard me.

I’m sharing this article because its author, Andrew Sullivan, speaks to the wrestling that so many of us do figuring out how to live with technology in a way that serves us. It speaks to the ways that technology often keeps us hooked into distraction and compulsive online searching rather than the more important (and often more difficult and painful) internal searching to find and explore the core of ourselves and our purpose.

I hope this article is thought-provoking in all the right ways for you today.