Category: Mindfulness

Taming and Treating “Privilege Syndrome”

Posted on by j_mcdonald

 

At some point, with many clients, comes an earnest variant of the same question: Who am I to have pain – or see a therapist – given that so many other people suffer in visible, heartbreaking ways?

I call this the Privilege Syndrome. The reasoning usually sounds like this:

• If I don’t live in a less-developed country where I only have access to one meal of day, I should be happy. (But I’m not.)
• If I have money, I shouldn’t feel depressed. (But I am.)
• If I have a job, I shouldn’t be annoyed with my work. (But I am.)
• If I don’t have to represent my race on a daily basis, or live in fear of violence, then I shouldn’t complain about the challenges I do have. (But I do.)
• If I have a loving family, I shouldn’t be lonely. (But I am.)
• If others respect me, I shouldn’t live in fear of rejection. (But I do.)
• If I haven’t survived one or more traumas, I shouldn’t be suffering. (But I am.)
• If my life looks good on paper, I should be happy. (But I’m not).

How lovely that so many of us know that other people also struggle! How terrible that we deem ourselves not worthy of struggling and suffering because of our privileges!

From a mindfulness perspective, Privilege Syndrome is all about getting caught in a mindstate of comparison, or what I and many other mindfulness practitioners call Comparison Mind. The good news about Comparison Mind is sometimes it makes us feel superior to others! But the bad news… well, you know all about the bad news of comparison. We end up feeling inferior and unworthy – and then judge ourselves for feeling so bad.

The truth is that we increase our suffering when we can’t acknowledge and accept our own pain and heartache. When we dismiss or minimize our own pain because So-and-So has it worse, we are acting from a faulty belief that suffering is reserved only for others.

The only “cure” for Privilege Syndrome is to learn to accept and honor our own suffering – no matter our privilege – while also acknowledging the suffering of others. When we can work toward the end of our suffering and the suffering of others, we stop comparing ourselves. Instead of landing in Comparison Mind, we access compassion. Instead of being better than or worse than others, we’re simply with ourselves and with others. That is connection. That is healing.

 

Teens and the Anxiety Epidemic

Teens and the Anxiety Epidemic

Posted on by Dana Goldman

The New York Times Magazine cover story this past week was about teens and anxiety. Yay!

And it’s not that I’m a sicko who takes pleasure from other people’s suffering.

Rather, it’s nice to see attention focused on what’s been obvious in my office: that many teens — delightful, smart, precocious, thoughtful teens — are really struggling in profound ways. Self-harm is one way that this struggle shows up. A struggle to get to school is another big way this shows up. And it puts parents in a huge bind over what to do.

Here’s what I want you to know. Anxiety is terrible, and the impulse is to avoid anxiety by avoiding what makes us anxious. But as this article mentions, avoidance generally makes things worse. What helps? Looking at and re-writing thoughts, coping skills for calming the body and mind, and practice showing up for things that feel scary — like school.

 

A Quick Note on Birthdays

Posted on by Dana Goldman

happy-birthday-to-me-memeMy birthday has come and gone once again, and unlike my daughter – who would like to have her birthday happen every day – I’m a little relieved it’s over. As a kid, birthdays are hopefully magical. Presents! The world centering on you!

But as an adult, birthdays can so often be bittersweet or downright disappointing. We may note who has or has not called. We find ourselves in comparison mode with other people based on our age. We may find ourselves comparing aspects of our lives — relationship, work, home, interests — with where we’d hoped we would be. (To state the obvious: These are not usually comparisons that make us feel better about ourselves.) Perhaps we touch into our mortality in a way that’s uncomfortable. Perhaps we are all too aware of who is no longer alive or in our life to celebrate us. Sometimes things get better with age … but sometimes we end up feeling jaded and confused about our own meaning and purpose.

As a mindfulness-informed therapist, here is the long-winded question I have at moments like this: How can we turn toward the difficult feelings that events like birthdays conjure up, getting curious about our experience so that we can find clarity and create intentions and actions that enable change? 

I offer this question to you in hopes that it will be useful.

All my best,
Dana

 

Are Technology and Peace At Odds?

Are Technology and Peace At Odds?

Posted on by Dana Goldman

My meditation teacher sent me this article I Used To Be A Human Being and I’m passing it along to you today. It’s all about how to live in an age of constant distraction and, fittingly, it took me three days and three sittings to actually finish it because of the distractions that bombard me.

I’m sharing this article because its author, Andrew Sullivan, speaks to the wrestling that so many of us do figuring out how to live with technology in a way that serves us. It speaks to the ways that technology often keeps us hooked into distraction and compulsive online searching rather than the more important (and often more difficult and painful) internal searching to find and explore the core of ourselves and our purpose.

I hope this article is thought-provoking in all the right ways for you today.

Newsflash! Self-Compassion and Self-Improvement Aren’t Enemies

Posted on by Dana Goldman

Self-compassionI’ve been thinking lots lately about everything that gets in the way of self-compassion. For most of us, it’s much easier to feel compassionate toward others — especially children — than it is to feel some gentle kindness or understanding toward ourselves. When it comes to relating to our own imperfect selves, we’re impatient and critical. I’m an adult; I should have fixed this by now. I should have known better. I need to be accountable.

Newsflash: We can be accountable for our actions and offer compassion toward ourselves at the same time. We can look with a critical eye at something we’ve done that’s flopped while also trying to cultivate an attitude of compassion toward ourselves. We don’t have to pick between self-improvement and self-compassion. We can work toward both.

Self-compassion isn’t a ticket out of responsibility. It’s an attitude we can cultivate that allows us to learn from our mistakes more easily, with less getting caught in a useless web of beliefs about how terrible we are.

Reconsidering The Cult of Productivity

Posted on by Dana Goldman

imgresI work with a lot of therapy clients struggling to find their place in a culture that values productivity above almost everything else. These clients feel guilty when they aren’t maximizing their time. Lounging can be seen as sinful. There is a constant push for more and more and more efficiency. And while the constant pushing can lead to isolation and loneliness, they are not alone: in mainstream Western culture, we value doing more than being, action more than reflection, and self-improvement over self-acceptance.

There are lots of reasons for our culture’s focus on productivity. But in my office, there are two main reasons people stay so busy and driven:

  1. We fear slowing down. What happens when we spend time being quiet? It often means confronting parts of reality we’d rather push away. Many of us live with an inner critic, and that critic can be hard to tolerate at first when we spend time intentionally practicing reflection and self-acceptance.
  1. Our self-worth has become deeply linked to our productivity. If we only feel okay when we judge ourselves on our productivity, of course we don’t want to slow down. (When our self-worth is linked to productivity like this, it leaves us vulnerable to internal crises if we get sick or have a change in life roles at home or work.)

In counseling, I work with clients to help them recognize other options for self-worth that go beyond productivity. We build bridges to reconcile self-improvement and self-acceptance. We rediscover the pleasure of leisure time well spent – without the guilt.

 

 

 

 

Turning Off and Tuning In to Another Mass Shooting

Posted on by Dana Goldman

black ribbonI found out the horrific mass shooting yesterday in Florida this morning, not because of the TV or the radio or the internet but because someone I happened to be with mentioned it.

Word of mouth is how I’ve learned almost all of my news for the past two months. It’s been part of an experiment that has involved purposely turning off and tuning out the barrage of news and infotainment that I had eagerly welcomed for so long.

Before these last two months, my radio was on constantly. I was constantly reloading the New York Times website. I could sound informed and knew a little bit about a lot.

But I was also getting numb to it all. Information overload can increase stress and make it hard to absorb anything at all. And so while it’s important to me to be engaged in the world beyond my nose and take action where I can, it’s also been important to see what happens when I turn everything off for awhile. If I’m not distracting myself with the news or really entertaining podcasts, where does my mind go? If I’m not hearing about everything that’s truly terrible in the world, what does that do for my ability to feel and act calm?

We need to notice the impact that news has on our spirits and sense of well-being. We need to try to be mindful as we figure out the right ways and times to be present with the world around us. That’s what I’m working on.

Please join me in adding your name to the Brady Campaign to End Gun Violence’s petition for stronger gun control.

 

 

 

 

No Feeling Is Final

Posted on by Dana Goldman

No feeling is final.

The poet Rainer Maria Rilke’s words “No feeling is final” are prominent on the wall of my counseling office these days, scrawled on an chalkboard that could as easily be used for grocery lists or ye-olden-days math problems.

At the center of despair and pain is often the terror that we’re stuck where we are — doomed to feel what we’re feeling until we die. Everything feels permanent in these moments. Everything feels locked in and locked down.

If it’s hard to believe Rilke’s words today, that’s fine. But do know that I am convinced that there is more out there for you than what you’re experiencing right now. Life can be better. Things can change. No feeling needs to be final.

 

When Clients Cry, I Think…

When Clients Cry, I Think…

Posted on by Dana Goldman

Unlike pop culture’s idea of therapy, I do not exist to make people cry. I don’t get excited when someone sheds tears. I don’t think, ‘Hurrah, now this is therapy!’

Instead, I feel compassion for the pain I see before me. After all, tears are one way we show our suffering.

But there’s something else to remember, too, next time you cry. Neuroscience is teaching us that we have the best chance of being happy when we can easily go into and out of our thoughts, our physical sensations, and our emotions.

For most of us, our thoughts are easy to go into but can be hard to shift away from. (“I can’t stop thinking about…”) When we bring our attention to our bodies when we’re stressed, we may notice a clenching or tightness in our chest or gut.

And then there are emotions. Most of us try to avoid our emotions – especially the ones that are painful and confusing. We’d rather do just about anything else to avoid them, including overeating, numbing out through alcohol or drugs or TV, or getting really, really busy with work or family or friends.

But we can’t block some emotions without also potentially blocking out others. We can’t decide to just feel happiness, joy, and gratitude without also allowing ourselves to experience sadness, grief and anger. I wish it was different, but the brain doesn’t work like that.

So when I see a client cry, I don’t think Hurrah! But I do feel glad for that particular person that they are allowing themselves to feel what needs to be felt. It’s only when we can be with all of life – the painful and the pleasurable and everything in between – that we have the best chance of health and happiness.

Reversing the Stress Response — New Relevant Research on Relaxation

Posted on by Dana Goldman

CureThe research continues to come out that mindfulness meditation can be useful to calm us down and, over time, rewire the brain for more relaxation and less of a hair trigger toward anger and stress. I loved listening to this interview on the NPR show Fresh Air with science writer Jo Marchant. Marchant’s just published a book called “Cure” and the interview gets into the mind-body connection and connects it to meditation, placebos, virtual reality, and other fascinating topics.

So often we think that living with anxiety is “just the way I am” — but neuroscience is showing that the brain is capable of change throughout our lifetime. If you can get better at driving, cooking, or riding a bicycle, then you can get better at recognizing stress, combating it, and reversing anxiety and depression. My belief in mindfulness meditation – guided by personal experience and the research – is why I continue to offer it to clients as a crucial part of talk therapy.